Shoelace
by Eddi Delaney
Summary: Itahina and sasusaku. Has nothing to do with shoelaces. Remember who is writing this and notice that it isn't under the romance category.
1. Shampoo for Breakfast

Ohayo! Kalilamae here! Today I've officially lost my mind. I have shifted my interest from basically all pairings but itachixhinata. I am addicted to it, which is why I am forcing myself to write one, or in this case, two. One funny one not. This is the funny one. And you know how my humor stories turn out: just plain bizzare. I must get this horrible story out of my head so it will stop bugging me. Eh, jgc, you'll still edit for me, right? I know that romances aren't your thing, but... you're my only editor. BTW, dear readers: if you don't know who Deidara is, I suggest you leave. You are a dubbie and I detest thee. Plus you probably say 'black ops'... geez, I hate that. Hehe, ja ne, owari, and all that!

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Itachi and all his Akatsuki pals who I feel like including, meaning no moron like plant-man will be there, skipped merrily through the bright, happy forest next to Konoha. No wait... let me try this again... I've been doing to much happy stuff lately.

Itachi, Kisame, Sasori, and Deidara, members of the secret criminal organization, the Akatsuki, stealthily slipped through the underbrush of the forest skirting Konohagakure. Deidara was to enter the city to gather a few supplies (extra weapons, bandages, food etc) then come straight back out. He was to speak to no one but the shopkeeper nor start any fights. But of course, Deidara was not capable of such a complicated mission because no doubt he would screw it up, so Itachi decided to do it.

Itachi used henge no jutsu to transform into Sasuke and walked into town.

"'Ey, Sasuke, what were you doin' out there?" asked the guard.

"... training." said Itachi with a patented **Sasugay Glare**, though it was nothing compared to Itachi's own patented **Shmexy Glare of Itachi Hatred**, of which even Gaara would be jealous. I know _I_ am!

"Alrighteh then Sasuga- I mean Sasuke." replied the ANBU guard.

Itachi strolled to the Ninja Grocer and started filling his handy cart. _They're HANDY! _said the advertisement.

_Good thing I came to this handy grocer. _thought Itachi, dropping some cereal in the cart in an extremely bored fashion.

Then Sasuke walked in.

Itachi stared at Sasuke. Sasuke stared at... himself?

"What the? Naruto, I told you not to turn into me, you idiot!" Sasuke screamed.

Then Naruto walked in.

"... huh?" said Naruto stupidly.

"But-! If he-! That-! What?" said Sasuke.

"Um... crap." said Itachi. He walked to the checkout aisle.

"HEY! GET BACK HERE!" screamed Sasuke insanely. And gayly.

"What? Huh? What the hell is going on!" cried Naruto in utter confusion.

"I don't know!" yelled Sasuke.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Naruto screamed.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Sasuke screamed.

"Your stupid, little brother." Itachi stated correctly, walking out the door with shopping bags in hand.

"It's Itachi!" yelled Sasuke, glaring in the Sasugay way.

Everyone in the store stared at Sasuke blankly.

"The guy who killed the Uchiha clan?" tried one person.

"Yes! GET HIM!" panicked Naruto, running around like a crazy person.

Everyone ran after Itachi, who ran into the woods. Luckily, Itachi lost the blundering idiots because they tripped over their shoelaces even though they all wore sandals.

"Who knew Sasuke was so dumb." Itachi said to himself. Itachi sat down an checked the groceries. He didn't break anything during his flight.

_It's Konoha time! KO-NO-HA! When we work to together it's much better- um. Just read._

"Ok, who tripped me?" said Naruto angrily.

"Shut up, dobe, you tripped on your shoelaces." Sasuke replied.

"Dude, my shoes don't _have _laces!"

"So? That doesn't mean you can't trip on them!"

"There's nothing to trip on!"

"Yes there is. Your laces."

"What laces!"

"Those laces!" Sasuke pointed at Naruto's shoes. **_There were no laces._**

"Oh. I see. Thanks Sasuke!" Naruto walked away.

That was one of the dumbest things I ever wrote.

The other people from the grocery store slowly dispersed leaving Sasuke standing there alone when SAKURA ran up! AAAAAH!

"Hi Sasuke-kun!" she said sweetly.

"Um. Hi." he said hoping she would leave.

"Want to go see a movie?" she asked even sweeterly.

"No. Actually..." he thought about it a moment. Killy Death 7 was on. "Yes. Yes I will."

"Really? Are you serious!"

"Yeah. Let's go see Killy Death 7."

**"I LOVE THAT MOVIE! HA! INO WILL BE SO JEALOUS!" **screamed Inner Sakura.

"O-ok!" she said excitedly and latched to his arm like some kind of horrible leech demon hoping to suck away all of his hopes and dreams and give him new ones like 'Marry Sakura' 'Be nice to Sakura' and 'Eat pudding. _With Sakura'. _

_In Hinata's Room_

Hinata was angry. In fact, she was overflowing with a terrible rage causing her to write in jagged scrawls in her blue fluffly diary until she was happy. Then she wrote in neat round cursive.

**AHHH! How can anyone obsess over Sasuke like that! He is so mean to everyone! Why should everyone be nice to him! AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH! And Sakura is so rude to Naruto-kun! **_On another note, Naruto-kun commented on my new shirt yesterday, the one with the ramen bowl on it. _Then she drew an adorable little chibi Naruto eating ramen with an adorable little chibi Hinata. In the background were the adorable little chibi Sakura and Sasuke tied together with chibi kunai stabbed into various parts of their bodies. They were bleeding an extreme amount and about to be pushed into the river by an adorable little chibi Shino and Kiba. Adorable chibi Kisame was in the river even though Hinata didn't know him, but Hinata had a moment of psychicness. On the other side of the river sat adorable chibis Ino, Shikamaru, and Chouji having a barbeque picnic, but Ino was yelling 'I LUV YOU SHIKA-KUN!' at adorable chibi Shikamaru. Kind of scary but stll adorable chibis Lee and Gai sat in a tree eating chocolate chip cookies. Adorable chibi Kurenai and Asuma were smoking crack and extra super adorable chibi Kakashi was crying by the monument.

"That whore Sakura doesn't deserve to be on Naruto's team... and when will every other girl realize Sasuke only likes Sakura and that's because she likes the Killy Death series? I mean... seriously," she said to herself, fiddling with her hands, "_I _like the Killy Death series! Does that mean I should date Sasuke? NO! IT DOESN'T!"

Neji walked in. "Why are you screaming? It's annoying. You me spill main house milk in my delicious branch house eggs."

"S-s-s-s-s-s SORRY!" she cried and hid under her bed, taking her diary with her.

"You should be." then he stuck out his tongue and walked away.

Slowly she crept from her refuge under the bed and opened her diary again. THEN HANABI WALKED IN!

"Why were you screaming? It's horrible. You made me cut off my hand."

Hanabi held up her left arm to show the bleeding stump that was once her hand.

"S-s-s-s-s-s SORRY!" then Hinata dove back under her bed with her diary.

"Good." Then Hanabi walked out the door than screamed in agony when she stubbed her toe.

Hinata clambered out once again only to have her EVIL FATHER WALK IN! OH NO!

"Why were you screaming? It's obnoxious. You made me drink from the wrong cup and have now ingested Neji's strawberry shampoo. It tasted okay, but I'm starting to feel sick."

"S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s SORRY!" Then she went under the bed, book in hand, AGAIN.

Evil Hiashi turned around and walked out the door before throwing up.

"Woe is me! All I do is cause trouble!" cried Hinata. "I'm going to run away to the forest!"

She dashed past milky eggs, a bloody kunai with a hand next to it, and a cup of coffee strangely alongside a bottle of Neji's strawberry shampoo before making it out of the Hyuuga complex.

"Oh, woe! Woe!" she said again as she entered the forest.

Hinata tripped on her nonexistant shoelaces and ran into... guess who. NARUTO! No, not really. ITACHI! Nope. A tree (not Shino, just an ordianary tree). She passed out.

_In the movie theater_

**Dunna dunna dunna dunna KILLY DEATH! Dunna dunna dunna dunna duuuun! KILLY DEATH! Dun un! Dun un! DUN.**

Sasuke and Sakura stared as the huge words with little red tears in them appeared on the screen. They read KILLY DEATH 7: THE OFFICE BUILDING.

Some guy with a trenchcoat and bandages around many parts of him from the previous movies ran in with a crap-load of weapons and started to massacre a bunch of creeps in an office building.

"I love this movie!" sniggered Sakura morbidly.

Sasuke liked it, too, but it was distracted by other thoughts. Especially because he now wanted to eat pudding with Sakura more than he wanted kill his rawkin' hawt evil brother.

_**NOOO! I can't die! I haven't saved my document! GRK! Nuuu...**_

_**Hehehe. You have had... a killy death!**_

_**Everyone in the office building shuddered fearfully.**_

_**Guard your hard drives as best you can, but not even uber computer technology can withstand... a killy death!**_

_Teh woodzorz_

Itachi walked towards camp, groceries in hand, when he stumbled upon a weird white thing laying on the ground.

Picking up a conviniently placed stick, he poked it a couple of times when he finally realized it was a girl. So he sat on the ground and poked her in the head.

Now, I don't know from experience, but I think we can safely assume that waking up to a mass murderer poking you in the head with a conviniently placed stick would be a bit scary. So she screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Eh? What's wrong?" Itachi asked, putting down the stick.

"Y-y-you!"

"... oh. That."

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And there you have it! The first chapter in my amazing itahina spectacular!

jgc: There is something wrong with you.

Kalilamae: Tch. You aren't exactly the sanest of the bunch! Besides, you can't deny this is gonna be a good story.

jgc: Yes I can.

Kalilamae: You could, but you'd be lying. And liars go to that place where all there is is fire. No video games. No manga. They call it Hell.

jgc: At least I have chicken!

Kalilamae: Shut up, Leeroy.


	2. Shino and Kiba arrive

If it says '/par' anywhere please try and ignore it. My fooking computer is messed up.

Warnie: This is dumb and violent. YAY!

Disclaimeh: I don't own Naruto. I also don't own Invader Zim who isn't in this story, but I still don't own. DOOM!

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The two of them sat there stupidly staring at each other when Hinata randomly fell backward and passed out. Itachi got back to poking her in the head.

Somewhere else in the forest walked Shino, closely followed by the obnoxiousness that is Kiba.

"And then he totally kicked me in the head! Isn't that just SO horrible?" Kiba cried.

Shino had had enough. He turned to him and prepared to speak when he saw an S-class missing nin poking his other teammate in the head with a piece of wood.

"Kiba."

"And he just kept kicking! It was terrible! Why! WHY!"

"KIBA."

"Eh? What is it?"

Shino pointed towards Hinata.

"WTF? AAH! SASUKE'S EVIL BROTHER!"

Itachi ignored them and poked her again.

"HEY! STOP POKING HINATA-CHAN!" screamed Kiba. Bet you thought it was Shino, didn't you.

"No." said Itachi with a Shmexy Glare of Itachi Hatred.

Kiba took a step back.

"Why are you poking her anyway?" asked Shino.

"Impulse." Itachi said before glaring again. They ran away.

"I don't think poking her is going to work..." Itachi muttered. He grabbed one of her arms and dragged her to camp like the groceries.

"Lunch time already?" asked Kisame.

"No. I was going to go taunt Sasuke and write 'its hammertime' on all the stop signs, but I ran into a fainted little girl. She won't wake up." Itachi answered.

"Did you try poking her with a stick, yeah?" Deidara asked dumbly.

"Of course I did. She when she woke up she fainted again." glared Itachi smexily.

"OH!" Sasori said. "Just pour a cold liquid over her head!"

"That NEVER works Sasori." Kisame growled.

"It does in the cartoons!" Sasori shouted.

"I'll try it..." muttered our favorite mass murderer, unless you read JtHM, in which case Itachi BETTER be your second favorite.

Itachi got some milk and dumped it over her head.

"Nani?" Hinata said in a daze, sitting up.

"Hi!" said Kisame.

"Um... hi?"

"What were you doing in the forest?" said Itachi. Glaring. Because it is smexy.

"R-running away..."

"That's ridiculous. You're supposed to kill them." Itachi stated.

Hinata, in her 'just woke up' state didn't quite realize she was conversing with Itachi. But now she realized it.

"Wait... y-you're Itachi!"

"Well, duh. I also just stopped some idiots from taking you back to your home, so be happy."

"O-o-ok..."

"Can we eat now?" Sasori asked.

Deidara already had the groceries and was making peanut butter and jelly sammiches and Kisame was brewing tea over the never before mentioned, but always there, fire.

"So. Are you going to kill your family?" asked Itachi.

"I-I'm not strong enough!"

All the Akatsuki members said, "We will train you!" simultaneously. They were willing to help in such a noble cause!

"So. If we train you... you will kill... who?" Itachi said a bit morbidly.

"Hiashi. My father."

In his mind Itachi giggled crazily because he just convinced an adorable girl to murder her father. But nobody knew that.

Deidara passed out the sammiches and tea.

Everyone shut up and ate hungrily.

KO NO... KO NO... HAAA!

Shino and Kiba ran back to the village and dashed into the Hokage Tower.\par

"HOKAGE! HOKAGE! ITACHI HATH KIDNAPPED THY FAIR WHITE EYED MAIDEN!" screamed Kiba.

"It was odd..." muttered Shino.

"Eh?" said Tsunade cause I don't like that old dude. He's all nasty and not very funny...

"Itachi kidnapped Hinata." clarified Shino.

"HE POKE-ED HEEEER!" screamed Kiba doomily.

"...ok... I'll send out some ANBU. Yo! ANBU!" yelled Tsunade, snappin' her fingahs.

"Yes, my master!" said the random ANBU with ugly red hair and a troll mask.

"Go find Itachi. He kidnapped a kid."

"OKIE DOKIE MA'AM!" and he skittered off to get his team.

The ANBU, named Rick, entered ANBU headquarters. "I need a squadron, peeps! 5 of you will join me in my mission for truth, justice, and the pickle pie way! WOO!"

A lady with a bright green side pony tail ran up and saluted, "Sashimi, reporting for duty, SIR!" Her mask was a squirrel.

A guy with one little pink hair poking off his head ran up and saluted, "Moofin, reporting for duty, SIR!" His mask was a muffin. I liiiike muffins.

Another guy, but with a black mohawk ran up and saluted, "Fern, reporting for duty, SIR!" His mask was leaf, like those little guys in the Wind Waker with the tree and yeah.

A 15 year old Kakashi, who just rawked so much I had to put him in, sauntered up and glared. He had his likkle wolf mask on.

A lady with a blonde bowl cut ran up and saluted, "Rock Sue, reporting for duteh, SIR!" She had a mask of a normal face on. Sue was related to Lee somehow so a weird mask wouldn't work.

"LET'S GO!" screamed Rick, flailing his arms madly.

Kakashi glared and everyone else said, "WOO!"

They all dashed into the forest, never to be seen again by Tsunade.

Itachi was ready; he killed them all but Kakashi, who he sent back into his normal time period. Somehow.

"..." said Hinata in horror.

'FWEE!' thought Itachi, full of glee.

Back in time with Kakashi; I wish myself there

"Nn... what just happened?" Kakashi found himself on a rock in the middle of a prairie. "Why am I...?"

"Kashi-kuuuun!" screamed a rabid girl with long brown hair, leaping upon his poor fluffy head of adorably horror.

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If you didn't get the "Stop: It's Hammertime!" thing... well, that's pathetic. MC ROX MAH SOX!

Kalilamae: ... I scare myself.

jgc123: Why did you describe all those people only to kill them without a second glance!

Kalilamae: So their ghosts may return and cause all sorts of carnage and trouble later in the story. But mainly to take up space.

jgc123: Y-you're planning ahead! What? NO! WHO ARE YOU! WHERE'S KALILA TEH MAE!

Kalilamae: No, really. Feel my planny wrath. Whoo!

jgc123: EEEEEEEEEEK!

Kalilamae: Heh, you sound like BM in FF:DC.

jgc123: Yah! And he was all "I'm scared of heights." and the other guy was all, "what?" and then he said, "Nothing." HAW HAW!

Kalilamae: YEAH! Um. Anyway. Remember that thing I wrote for DL where the one guy is like, "Ooh, can I wear it, dad?" "No. And how did you know-" "Sorry, slip of the tongue."

jgc123: Myep... that one guy is such an idiot. But Kratos isn't.

Kalilamae: Even though he's that one guy's dad and is like... 400 years old, he STILL rawks. leaves

jgc123: leaves

Deadly Literate: Kalilamae, you moron. T.T I haven't even started my account... 


	3. Evil Training

_Dear readers: I would like to mention that I am NOT sane. Believing I am a normal person is terrible for your health, so please avoid doing so. Or I'll hurt you. With my shiny little Vincent Valentine plushie. My computer is all better by the way. Turns out I was accidently using Notepad instead of Wordpad. It sucks._

_Warning: Violence, language, stupidity. And this guy who thinks he's gangsta._

_Disclaimer: Well, I would say something like, 'I wish I owned Naruto, but unfortunately, Masashi Kishimoto does,' but I can't because I don't. I wouldn't mind if I owned my own Jhonen clone though. I would keep him in my closet and give him sketti-o's. Or maybe a Vincent poster to hang on my wall. And stare at for hours and hours..._

_Oh, and reviewers! I'm here to review your reviews!_

_Killer-Strawberry: Yep. It sure is. n.n_

_HTH Village Rocks: ... I think they grow back. Either way, I have no MSN, AIM, or any other instant messager. Sorry! But you can email me and jgc123 if you want to._

_skiLLs-with-a-Z: You know, if you were trained in yarn-fu, it could be a deadly weapon. WHACHA! pelts you with yarn_

_dreamalluwant2: Um. HUZZAH!_

_Kalilamae: Hehe. I reviewed my own story. Wait... OMG THE MOOSH MINKY!_

_Meibou: Eh, you'll get used to my random acts of dumb. Did you know that eating a pie a day gives you a 5 increase in yummy? giggles with jgc Yeah, that's a good one..._

_True Phantom: Tenten doesn't swoon over him either, but she's insignificant and has dumb hair. And you're right about the parody. n.n There are SO many stories like that! And I've read all of them. As far as Itachi... I AM a giggling fangirl. But I love Vincent Valentine more..._

_Optimistic-Pessimist: Wow, your name is totally condtradictory. I like it. Anyway... about that chibi... do you have anymore of them? _

_Snowhearte: I really hope you spelled 'heart' wrong on purpose. And YES! The randomness! I can taste victory. And it tastes like... BACON! Ok, yeah, sorry jgc. I stole that quote right there._

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"Wow Kisame, this tea is really good," said Hinata, already used to her wanted criminal company. The mass murderers and assassins were very kind.

"Well, living out in middle of nowhere gets you pretty good at unexpected things. Like FF:DoS for the GBA." Kisame replied in his creepy voice, holding his gameboy in one hand.

"Yeah!" Deidara chimed in, "We even built a solar powered charger for out gameboys."

"MEOW." said Sasori.

"Ok, leaving the subject of gameboys now, we need to start teaching this... person thing... how to be a crazy confident killer," Itachi drawled in all of his glory, "Deidara. Teach her how to be insane. NOW."

"Uh... alright, yeah." Deidara said. He grabbed her arm and dragged her off to teach her the ways of maniacal-ness.

_Later..._

"No, no, yeah! You have to have an ENOURMOUS grin on your face! Not only does it scare people, it's fun, too, yeah."

Hinata had already been instructed to say yeah at the end of her sentences, and now was learning to smile like a psycho will doing stupid things. Like saying Hi.

"Um, Hi, yeah?" Hinata said with a forced smile on her face.

"Too small, yeah. I'm gonna stab you if you don't do it right, yeah."

"Uh... eh... HI YEAH!" she screamed madly, a frantic grin bordering hysteria plastered on her face.

"Heh, you did it, yeah!"

"R-really! Yeah!"

"Yeah."

"YEAH!"

"YEAH!"

"YEAH!"

"YEAH!

Then Kisame screamed from the camp, "SHUT UP!"

"Th-thank you for teaching me to be insane and annoying, y-yeah..." stammered Hinata, a blush on her face because she hasn't blushed enough in this story.

"No problem, yeah! Now Sasori has to teach you... um... I have no idea, yeah. Maybe Kisame will teach you how to loom ominously and how to use weapons bigger than you are."

Then of course, Kisame walked up. "Ok, now to teach you to loom ominously and use large objects against people."

Deidara left.

Kisame loomed.

Hinata waited.

"Erm... can I start learning, yeah?" Hinata stammered.

"Ok. All you have to do is stand still and glare at everything. If no one is around, glare at trees and buildings. If people are about, glare at them all, shifting your gaze from on to another. It's soooo funny to see people cringe in terror! Lolz!" Kisame said.

Hinata put the most menacing look she could on her face and glared at Kisame. Both of them just stood there. Glaring.

"Ok, now for the large objects. It doesn't take any skill, you just keep hitting whatever it is until the screams stop."

"A-alright, yeah," she spoke and glared, picking up a log.

When some random traveler walked by!

"Yo, dawgz, wassup?" asked the very white man.

Both of them simply glared. And glared. And glared.

"Homies, what're y'all doin' dawgz yo yo yo?"

Then Itachi came in. And glared his patented glare.

THEN Deidara came in and said, "Hey, what are you up to, yeah?"

"YO WASSUP?"

"Um... ok, you know what? Why don't we just kill him now?" Kisame recommended.

"'K." said Itachi and moved forward to kill him.

"N-no way dawgz yo wassup m'an yo ho MoFo! I like tu'rkey samm'iches, yo, with **_Miracle Whip_**, YO YO YO!"

"... did you say **_Miracle Whip_**, yeah?" Hinata growled. That evil disgusting mayonnaise substitute! SICKENING!

"Um. Yes. I mean, no. Yes. Er... Yo?" He said.

She snarled savagely and beat the life out of him with the log.

"GOO-OOD JOB!" screamed Kisame and beat his head on a tree.

"Now Sasori will teach you how to act... uh... What exactly do you do Sasori, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"I play with puppets. They are pretty." Sasori said in a scratchy darth vader breathing kind of way. "But I can also teach manners so that she can trick those what wronged her at home into thinking she's a back forever and is a little nicey-poo when in reality she is a horrible monster preparing to break loose and kill them all."

_In Konoha with Sakura and Sasuke_

"Sasuke-kun, would you like to eat pudding with me tomorrow?" Sakura asked when the movie was over.

"No, never. I mean..." Sasuke said, thinking it over, "Yes. Pudding. With you. I would love to. See ya tomorrow Sakura."

Sakura waved goodbye and giggled like a maniac. It was all going perfectly...

_With Shino and Kiba, dedicated to FFVII fans_

Kiba started to tell Shino another story.

"So, I was like, totally on fanfiction last night, when I ran into this one story! It was like, called, "Why Me? A Love Story for Manic Depressants". And so like-"

"Kiba, you aren't a manic depressant."

"Um."

"And Kiba, why were you reading a romance fanfiction anyway?"

"Uh, you see-"

"And LAST why was it a YUFFENTINE?"

"Well- hey, how'd you know that?"

"You emailed me the story and forced me to read it."

"Oh."

"So anyway, I saw this fanart of Tifa and I was like 'OH MY GAWDZORZ' because she was HAWT."

"... Tifa likes Cloud you idiot."

"Not so! Aeris does!"

"Sephiroth killed her."

"Did not!"

"Yes. He did. In fact, the only girl who does NOT have a crush on anyone in the entire game is Yuffie, and that's because Cid has that one girl, Cloud has Tifa, and Barret has a girlfriend. Vincent's Lucrecia is dead, which is why he is always paired with Yuffie. That and that they are both secret characters."

"Wow, when'd you start talking all of a sudden, Shino!"

"..." _I love that game._

_In the land of the sand_

Gaara chewed thoughtfully on a piece of bloodied flesh of a cow compressed between two dome shaped baked goods smothered in a red tomato sauce. (It was a very rare hamburger with ketchup. DUH.)

"Maybe we should visit Konoha." He said to Kankuro the stupid and Temari the other person.

"Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea what with the psycho bug guy being there and all..." Kankuro said, glancing about fearfully.

"Don't be silly, Kankuro. I'm sure he won't try to kill you _too_ much. Anyway, there's this one guy and-" Temari said before Gaara cut her off.

"Temari. We don't want to know." Gaara said, finishing his hamburger.

"Ok, Gaara..." she sighed resignedly. (A/N: OOH! Big words!)

"Good. We leave... now. LET'S GOOO!"

And they leapt out the window and flew to Konoha on their flying hippos of the desert.

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_Wow. If anyone wants to draw something in this story, tell me, because I want to see this crap on paper! _

_jgc123: But... I draw your story a lot:'(_

_Kalilamae: You don't have a scanner. I've never seen any of it. o.0_

_jgc123: Hm... you know what? I wonder if our readers know that we've never met and I don't even know your first name:(_

_Kalilamae: Well, they do now! By the way... Vincent. 3_

_jgc123: Pff. Kakashi. _

_Kalilamae: You just don't play FFVII! Otherwise you would SO like Vincent Valentine better! . _

_jgc123: Why would I! --_

_Kalilamae: For one thing... HE HAS A RED CAPE! AND LONG BLACK HAIR! AND HE DOESN'T TALK A LOT! It's like... yay! Plus he's some kind of crazy experiment._

_jgc123: GASP! 0o0_

_Kalilamae: And his main weapons are guns. You heard me! Guns! And guns are cool. uu _

_jgc123: Yeh... You win. I guess I'll go wikipedia the guy... you'd never shut up if I didn't... TT_


	4. Shikamaru's Concussion

Ok, this is part 2 of Evil Training. I never realized how many people actually like this story, and with all of your inpirational reviews, I shall UPDATE! Yes. And stuff. Read now, or the artic dust bunnies will eat you.

Pleeease people, do NOT expect a bunch of horrible burning fluff that clogs your ears and eyes and mouth and nose, and slowly takes over your body and gets you addicted to love stories and you just cry and cry when a story doesn't have a nice pairing. And don't expect me to make Naruto say 'believe it!". (I just realized that Naruto isn't even IN the story anymore... I'll add him today.) That's even more evil! And it's really annoying. And if you DO expect either of them, I'll kill you. Because I'm mean that way.

If anyone wants to draw pictures of, or use quotes from this... oddity... you have permission to do so. Just don't say that you made it up yourself, yeah? coughs Stupid Deidara.

Oh and reviewers... I wuv you. I weally dooo.- passes out cupcakes- Especially you, Optimistic-Pessimist! And yes, Killer-Strawberry, they are on crack. It was very hard to convince the characters but I eventually... managed. Hehehe... -screams of terror are heard in the background-

v3n240589poemsarelamewoeir34i

I'm fairly certain that none of you want to listen to Sasori teach manners to Hinata, so I won't type anything special.

Sasori taught manners to Hinata. Ok, done with that.

"Wow Sasori. I feel so mannerful now, yeah?" Hinata said softly.

"Mmyep. Now Itachi will teach you how to be an efficient killer and how to stand silently!"

"Uh, yay, yeah?"

"Yay." confirmed Sasori.

--exe.Itachi entrance program--

--executing--

"Hi." said Itachi, who just appeared.

"Hi, yeah." said Hinata.

"I'm going to go kill myself now." said Sasori.

"No, Sasori. You won't. You'll go and fix the hole in your cloak. NOW."

And so it was that Sasori avoided death by having a hole in his clothes. The end.

Either way, Hinata now was standing in a fairly boring clearing with Itachi, the scary wary killer man.

"Sooo. You wanna know how to kill things?"

"Yeah."

"Right. Well. You have kunai and shuriken right?"

"Of course, yeah! I-I'm a ninja, even i-if I'm not super strong, yeah!" Hinata said.

"Uh huh. Either way, to kill things like a maniac, you need a super duper katana. Before you can train, we need to go shopping for a katana."

_Konoha: Hidden Behind a Dead Leaf_

"WHOO!" screamed Kankuro and Temari as their hippos landed right inside the gates of Konoha.

Gaara landed his hippo more gracefully than what should be possible with a flying desert hippo, and he was now pondering just HOW a hippo could survive in the desert, and besides that, fly.

"Better not to question that which cannot be explained..." he muttered, and kicked Kankuro in the face for no reason.

"OMFGSTFU! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" yelled purpley face boy.

"First of all, I didn't say anything, and if I did I would not have shut up. Second of all, I was angry at my hippo for existing, but I need it to get back home, so I didn't want to make it mad." explained Gaara.

"That actually makes sense." chimed in Temari.

SUDDENLY A GUARD MAN RAN UP!

"You childrens there! You've got hippo liscences, right?"

Gaara held out a piece of paper with 'hippo liscence' written on it in pink crayon. Next to that was a stick figure drawing of Gaara sitting on a hippo.

"Oh. Okay, you can go. Tie up them hippos good now, right?"

"Yes sir." said Temari cheerfully.

"What an idiot." said Kankuro.

"We know you are. Shut up." Gaara glared.

Kankuro held back tears. "I-I'm going to go and walk around a-aimlessly for a... a while..."

"Hm." Gaara said.

"Don't get lost, Kankuro!" Temari warned.

Kankuro began to walk. And walk. And walk. Until he saw... A TREE! And this time it really WAS Shino.

"GAH!" he said, almost walking into the tall creepy buggy guy. Wow, was he similar to a tree.

"... you again." Shino spoke.

"Uh, who? Ehehehe..."

"Kankuro. I hate you."

"WAAAH!" And so purple puppet man ran.

"..." And so Shino chased him.

Meanwhile...

"I want a Grease Bucket Meal." said Gaara.

"But you just had a burger before we left!" Temari rationalized.

"Nuh uh. Get me a Grease Bucket Meal or I'll kill you."

Temari sighed and walked into McUnhealthy's.

"Hey, you!" she said to the cashier person who just so happened to be Shikamaru.

"Whaaat." he said really slowly.

"Uuh? Shikamaru? Why are you working at McUnhealthy's?"

"Because all I have to do is tell people what you ordered."

"Figures... um, Gaara wants a Grease Bucket Meal."

"We need a Grease Bucket Meal." He told the microphone.

"What was that?" said a scratchy voice on the other line.

"Grease. Bucket. Meal." he said in tired annoyance.

"What?"

"A Grease Bucket Meal!" Shikamaru said slightly louder, turning towards the kitchen.

"Um, with or without grease?" came the reply.

Shikamaru turned back to Temari. "One moment please." And he disappeared into a kitchen that was surely breaking 100 hygeine codes.

Suddenly, Shikamaru was heard screaming, "GET A GREASE BUCKET MEAL FOR HER YOU BASTARDS!"

"Do she want fries with it?"

"IT COMES WITH FRIES!"

A horrible 'thk thk CHK GRK sssssh...' noise along with screams of agony and terror emitted from the kitchen.

The lazy ninja stepped out holding a Grease Bucket Meal. "Here you go, Temari."

Temari stared at the blood splattered across his apron thingy.

Shikamaru waved a hand in her face. "Temari?"

"Uh, yeah!" she handed him the money and walked out the door with Grease Bucket in hand.

_The Training Grounds of DOOM_

Deidara burst in. "DID I HEAR THE WORD 'SHOPPING'! YEAH!"

"Yes. Yes you did." Itachi said. "I'm going with Hinata to buy her a katana."

Hinata stared at him. He looked a lot like Sasuke, but much less gay and stupid. And his hair was in a ponytail, not a freakish bird butt shape.

"But... I wanna shop, yeah."

"Too bad. Go away."

He sighed and walked away.

"C'mon Hinata."

And so they went to some katana shop that happened to be in middle of the woods.

"OOH I WANT THE PINK ONE!" said Hinata.

Itachi picked up the pink Katana. It was pink, almost blindingly so. Her enemy would suffer temporary shock and their hesitation would cost them their life.

"Good choice." He said approvingly, handing it to her.

"R-r-r-reeeeally?"

"Yup."

"Wow." then she blushed because that's what Hinata does.

"Hinata. Kill him with it. I have no moneys." he pointed at the katana seller man.

"Okie dokie." she said, overcome by the amazingness of Itachi. Who wouldn't be? Except Tenten since she is dumb.

So she took the katana and sliced the man in half.

"GLARGH!" he said.

"'M done, Itachi-san." Hinata said.

"Now, um..." he thought for a moment, but no good idea came to him. "Name your katana?"

"PINK DEATH!" she squealed happily.

"Ok, whatever. Now let's go back to camp." Itachi said, grabbing a few katanas and stuff on the way out.

_BACK AT TEH CAMP!_

Hinata frowned. Since this story is so incredibly stupid, she decided that she lurved Itachi. And Itachi was thinking similarly. BUT both were denying their thoughts and thinking, 'I can't be in lurve!' even though we all know they are.

Oh, and he taught Hinata how to stand silently.

_Konoha, with Temari, Shikamaru, Gaara, and the Grease Bucket Meal._

"Here you are, Gaara." Temari said as kindly as a terrified girl could.

"There isn't enough grease." he whined.

Temari stared at the burger. It appeared to be made of pure grease.

"And where is my Greasy Toy? I want a Greasy Toy!"

"Um..."

"NOW!"

"Ok, ok!"

And so she went back to McUnhealthy's.

Just before she stepped in the door, Shikamaru tried to step out. It resulted in Shikamaru being KO'd by the door.

"Sh-SHIKAMARU!" Temari cried, suddenly seeing Shikamaru on the ground with those swirly eyes and a face covered in blood from the door crushing into his face.

"Hehe. He got hurt." said Gaara.

"HELP ME CARRY HIM TO THE HOSPITAL!"

"... his forehead is just bleeding a little bit."

"Well we can't just leave him here, Gaara!"

"Yes we can."

"What if he gets a concussion?"

"Then I will laugh."

Temari glared and began dragging Shikamaru to the doctor place where them ninjas go.

Gaara shrugged and walked away, eating his Grease Bucket Meal.

_With Sakura, Sasuke, and the pudding_

Sakura and Sasuke shared a dish of pudding, both brimming with joy.

The demon Sakura smiled and said, "Do you like your pudding, Sasuke-kun?"

"I..." he started. Then his will broke through her power. "No! NO!"

"But Sasuke-kuuun..." she said, hugging his arm.

"Pudding... I... love... pudding. Pudding and... Sakura-chan." Sasuke said slowly with a grin spreading onto his face, his new mind slowly comprehending.

_With Naruto_

He walked forward down the little dirt road. He had nothing to do since Sasuke actually accepted Sakura's offer to go out with her.

He kept walking when it hit him!

"Owie! Hey... wait a second... I'm don't have any shoelaces! CURSE YOU SASUKE!"

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Well, my liddle puddin' pies, there is one more chapter to go. It will be EXTRA EXTRA long and will feature shikatema and itahina. Not only that, but Shino beats the crap out of Kankuro. WOO!

jgc123: Um... I'm not a puddin' pie.

kalilamae: YES YOU ARE!

jgc123: Well darn. You got me. How did you know?

kalilamae: You are a pie.

jgc123: Okay.


	5. The Lurve Filled End

ZOMG, I turned on my tv and it was on Spongebob, and this guy was scared and his eyes popped out! Then the guy ran away and his eyes jumped in a car and drove away. Then Patrick said (I think this is HILARIOUS), "Well the nerve of that guy and his driving eyeballs!" HAHAHAHA!

Ok, whatever. And yes my poodles, Shino will again be friends with Gaara. I have a tendency of doing that. Here we go! Chapter 5! The FINAL CHAPTER! Extra long... extra funny... EXTRA VIOLENT. YEAH!

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_With teh Gaara_

"GAARA SAVE ME!" screamed Kankuro while running towards him.

"I don't feel like it." Then Gaara ate a french fry.

A question mark floated above Gaara's head as Shino dashed in and punched Kankuro in the stomach, like, three times and then sent the bugs after him.

"Hehe." said Shino.

"Heh." said Gaara.

They both burst out laughing. OH HOW THEY LAUGHED.

"Wanna go play senseless first person shooters on my PS2?" Shino said randomly.

"Okie dokie." said Gaara

Gaara dropped the trash from his meal on the now bloody, broken, and crying remnants of Kankuro and left to play video games with his new friend.

_Itachi and Hinata return to Konoha for the murdering of the Hyuuga family_

Itachi and Hinata walked side by side, each wearing one o' them big 'ol Akatsuki hats.

"Now, following the Family Killer's Protocol Book, you must leave Hanabi alive so that her life may be a living hell. Then she will come to kill you, but she will never succeed for you are obviously superior. The plan is that you must return home at dinner. At that point you must attack and destroy all who are in your path. Act ADORABLE then slaughter them like the horrible beasts they are."

"Okie dokie Itachi-kun. Yeah."

Hinata took off her hat and wandered into the Hyuuga complex. Eventually she sat down for dinner. Hiashi's cup was filled with shampoo and Hanabi had a tiny circular Snoopy bandaid over the gaping hole that was once her hand. Torrents of blood were easily rushing past the small bandaid, leaving Hanabi standing in a crimson puddle, though she seemed not to notice. Nobody did.

"Oh." said Hiashi. "My pathetic excuse for an heir is back."

"Yes father. I have returned. And I really have to tell you something, yeah? You see... -voice over from a Buggles song- VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR. VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR." (A/N: Can you guess what I'm listening to? That's right. Behind Blue Eyes.)

"What? -voice over- VIDEO KILLED THE RADIO STAR? -end voice over- SWEET LORD WHY!" Hiashi screeched.

The room descended into panic.

"Video what?"

"TEH RADIO!"

"I's gonna drink your blood!"

Suddenly Hinata pulled her hat from nowhere and plopped it down on her head with a smirk.

"FEEL MY WRATH YOU PATHETIC EXCUSES OF SENTIENT BEINGS! YEAAAH!"

Then she took out the big guns. Literally.

_Sakura and Sasuke 3_

"Sasuke-kuuun... you love me, right?" Sakura said sweetly.

"Yes... Sakura... chan." His eyes were wide and pupiless as he answered.

"GOODIE!" Sakura hugged him then put him into her closet which was stuffed with about 50 boys.

They screeched to him in warning, but the power of Sakura's mind was too strong. Resistance was futile as she shoved him into the already crowded closet. Sakura giggled maniacally and shoved the door shut. At that moment, her hold on his mind was released.

"Wuzzuh? Where... where am I?"

"You're in _her _closet." said one of the boys mysteriously.

"Sakura's? Gah! That evil psycho!"

"Did she make you eat pudding?" another boy queried.

"Yeah. I'm guessing that's how she got such powerful control over my mind."

"Yep. Has some kinda mind control crap in it. What'd she feed you, Morry?"

"Pie. So... much... pie..." Morry shuddered and rocked back and forth chanting "Pie, pie, pie..."

_Naruto alone in his room reading a book_

"Oh, woe! I've read this book so many times it's gotten boring!" Naruto set down his unabridged copy of War and Peace and picked up a humongous book on psychology.

"Nng... I've read everything I own... I know! Shino should have some books!" He dropped the psychology book and started off towards Shino's house.

_In Shikamaru's Hospital Room_

Shikamaru lay in his bright white hospital bed and marveled at how boring white could really be as Temari slept in a bright white chair alongside his bed. His head had a headband of bandages covering the bleeding gash in his skin. He was fine, but had passed out for a while. Now he was awake and had nothing to do.

The room was incredibly uninteresting. The best he could do was hope Temari would wake up. But no, he wasn't about to just lay in bed and wait for her to exit the natural resting process in a slow and aggrivating way like a normal person. He was going to poke her with a plastic straw and rudely force her out of her thoughts.

"Hey. Temari." He said in the dullest, most not-going-to-wake-anyone-up voice ever.

Temari's arm twitched when the hospital straw made contact with it, but other than that she gave no sign of noticing him.

After about twenty minutes of repeating "Hey. Temari." and poking her arm in the most boring way possible, Shikamaru decided that such means would not work. He would have to... dare I say it? ACTUALLY TRY.

"Hey. Temari." He said slightly louder.

He stood up and poked her forehead framed by two waterfalls of hair. For a moment he stopped and pondered her hair. It was very strange, put up in four bizzare and spiky ponytails, but though they were strange, they still looked okay. Why did Gaara let her wear it like that? One would think Gaara to believe it rather annoying. If he didn't think it was weird then her other brother, Kankuro, certainly would. Then again, Kankuro had questionable fashion sense himself. Suddenly he couldn't really focus on that. _God, my head hurts..._

Then Temari woke up only to see Shikamaru staring into space and a finger resting on her forehead. A trickle of blood that escaped the bandage trickled down his face.

"Um. Shikamaru? Are you okay?"

He just stared into space.

"Shikamaru?"

He continued to stand pointlessly.

"Why are you poking my head?! Shikamaru!"

"Nyeeeh..." he fell sideways onto the floor.

(A/N: That was extremely fun to write.)

_The Hyuuga Dining Room  
_

"EAT THIS YOU PSYCHOS! HAHAHAHAHA!" -enter explosion and machine gun noises here-

"AAAAH! HINATA KILLZ ME!"

"Hehe. Kill." giggled Neji creepily.

Then Hinata loaded the AK-47.

"Oh crap..." Neji muttered. He ran out the door to Shino's house, knowing it would be safe.

Soon everyone but Hanabi and Neji was dead.

"Hanabi." whispered Hinata to the crying girl. "I must ask you something, yeah?"

"Only if you let me ask you something first." she sniffed.

"Very well. Yeah."

"When did you get a speech disorder?"

"Since I met Deidara, yeah."

"Oh. What was your question?"

"How do you deal with being in love with a psychopath, yeah?"

"Uh. I dunno. Same way you would anyone else, but more carefuller."

"That's dumb. And carefuller isn't a word. Yeah."

"SHUT UP!"

"I'm the one with the PINK DEATH at your throat, Hanabi. Yeah."

Hanabi sighed. "Why not just kill me?"

"Only if you can kill me. Yeah." And Hinata DISSAPEARED.

"O-kaaay then..." and Hanabi went to collect all of the money in the house.

_Shino's House_

"HAH! DO YOU FEEL MY PLASMA RIFLE ROUND BURST THROUGH YOUR SKULL?"

"NO!" screeched Gaara as his black Master Chief fell to the ground.

"What are you doing?" Naruto asked, suddenly behind the couch. "And who's he."

"That's Gaara, we are playing Halo 2. Whaddya want?"

"A book."

"Find one in the back."

"I've got one!" Neji cut in from under the couch.

"What is it?" asked Naruto as Shino and Gaara returned to their game.

"Little Puppy's Adventure."

"I LOVE THAT ONE!" Naruto shrieked.

"ME TOO!" cried Neji.

They sat down and read it and Shino and Gaara played Halo 2.

_Shikamaru and Temari_

Shikamaru sat up and rubbed his head.

"Wha...?"

His eyes slid open slowly only to see Temari standing over him.

"Temari? What's going on?" he said groggily.

"I woke up with you poking my head and you passed out."

"Oh."

Then they made out.

_Sakura_

She walked down the street happily when suddenly a bus swerved towards her. It narrowly missed.

Five minutes later a psychopath came at her screeching about how insignificant she was and then stabbed her to death with a spork.

THREE CHEERS FOR STABBING!

CHEER CHEER CHEEEER!

Stab.

_Sakura's Closet_

"Hey look! There's a button on that wall! Maybe we can get out!" said one of the boys hopefully.

"I dunno. It's big and red and has a skull and crossbones on it." Sasuke said.

"Oh, just press it. It won't do any harm!"

"If you say so..."

Sasuke pressed the button. The door made a strange hissing noise but didn't move. Steam filled the room.

"GAH! POISON!" realized Sasuke.

I'll leave the rest to your imagination. :)

_The Pathetic Ending_

"Good." said Itachi when he met up with Hinata in the woods.

"Hee. They dead. Yeah." Hinata said.

"Yep."

"Hey, there's somethin' I've been meaning to tell you, yeah?"

"What is it?"

"I wuv you."

"I WUV YOU TOO!"

And they flew into eachother's arms and lived happily ever after.

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Could I have written a dumber ending? Well... yes. Yes I could have. But I didn't! I hope you enjoyed the conclusion to Shoelace, maybe I'll make a sequel! But probably not. Ah well. REVIEW! HEHAHAHEHA!


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